Improper Joshing

Here is what I heard.

“It’s up the ass / you can’t handle / I dare you”

Here is what Bjork said.

“It’s obvious / you can’t handle / I dare you”

Chat with Nina:

mowglisambu: he doesn’t seem to like when I touch it, either
me: that’s what she said?
mowglisambu: ugh this is not a good time, josh!
me: sorry!
(that’s what she said)
wait were you setting me up or are you mad

Got tailgated this morning by a Robert Plant lookalike driving an Expedition. I kind of wanted to flip him off, but I also kind of wanted to ask him to play Boogie with Stu.

Overheard in Ann Arbor: “You know that movie, ‘The bucket list’? It’s really good!”

I got an IM from elean0rroosevelt yesterday. Probably they’re going to call me to be on that Paranormal State show or something. By the way, Wikipedia’s list of paranormal TV shows has two programs completely dedicated to reporting Canadian paranorama [”Unexplained Canada” and “Creepy Canada”]. Which reminds me that they’re making a new X-Files movie, which reminds me that I want to get back to watching “Californication”. I think I left off with David Duchovny boning a Scientologist, then throwing up on himself ’cause he’d been smoking the marijuana or something. Mainly it’s a good show because it perpetuates the [obviously false] notion that being miserable makes you interesting [see House, Smart People, emo culture, etc.]. Also it’s basically softcore porn. Win!

According to the Village Voice, straight men getting pegged [the article says that Dan Savage coined this term–really?] is on the rise. [LOL I made a joke about boners.] “Pegging Goes Big: Straight Men Get It In the End”. The article suggests that some straight men avoid pegging because they’re afraid “they’ll enjoy it too much”. I’m more afraid of that thing that happened on Weeds where Andy had “oose-lay oopy-pay” afterwards. Also apparently I get most of my sexy-times information from Showtime. Marginally more informative than two girls, one cup.

This kind of article, and Tristan Taormino’s piece on anal fisting, is part of what makes the Village Voice more fun to read than, for example, the New York Times.  More mainstream news outlets have their share of fluff–and it’s usually the stuff that gets read the most. But it’s all very tame in the Times–Maureen Dowd [a big old cunt] has an insipid article on “whom not to marry”, and the Times magazine has something on prescription meds for pets. Or you can learn how to travel thriftily in Santa Barbara. Hell of entertaining. Voice-style fluff is actually interesting, and unlike the Times’s real estate porn, you might actually be able to put some of this stuff to use. What I am trying to say is that I have started a petition to get the Times to print an article on fisting–vaginal, anal, urethral [!], double, or whatever [five in the pink, five in the stink].

Now it is time to re-watch “The squid and the whale”. I saw it in college, but all I can remember now is when Jeff Daniels tells a lady to “put me in [her] mouth”. Current mood: http://jerkcity.ytmnd.com/

Somehow, the book seemed more like a Sofia Coppola movie than the movie. The movie felt very literal–Giovanni Ribisi reads his lines like a faux-precocious high school kid, adding artful pauses at random. Like the young mother in “The namesake”, reciting Shelley (or something else canonical) from memory without understanding. A lot of what’s fuzzy or unseen in the book is explicit in the movie. The narrators aren’t a moony collective of anonymous middle managers hung up on high school–they’re four or five standard-issue kids with names and faces. Worse, the Lisbon girls–Team Suicide–aren’t mysterious onscreen. In the book, they’re unfathomable–in the movie, they’re just random.

Plus, the streak of effeminacy and emasculation that runs through the book doesn’t show up in the movie, and it isn’t racy enough. The boys don’t swipe the girls’ lipstick and have giggly makeouts. In the book, the fathers are a bunch of office workers who tend their prissy lawns and can’t uproot a fence. Which I liked. In the movie, they aren’t vitiated and pasty–they’re just some dudes with 70s hair. Most egregious, I think, is the part where Josh Hartnett [his hair is courageous] does kissing with Kirsten Dunst in his car. She’s supposed to be a succubus [I think this is the word used in the book]–she ravishes this guy. But Kirsten Dunst doesn’t ravish. She flounces. I don’t know if I really expected to see her boning strange men on her roof, half-starved, with water pooling in the hollows above her collarbone. Still, it would’ve been nice.

Also, Kevin Shields and Peaches make a better soundtrack than Air. Just saying.

Songs that got me home tonight.

No surprises / Radiohead. Standout moment: “I’ll take a quiet life / a handshake of carbon monoxide”

Let down / Radiohead. “A chemical reaction”

Karma Police / Radiohead. “For a minute there / I lost myself / I lost myself”

High and dry / Radiohead. Guitar bit at 2:53

Fake plastic trees / Radiohead. “Fake plastic love”

Black star / Radiohead. “I keep falling over / I keep passing out / when I see a face like you”

Crystal / New Order. Obligatory.

Temptation / New Order. “Oh you’ve got green eyes / oh you’ve got blue eyes / oh you’ve got grey eyes”. Also: “Tonight I think I’ll walk alone / I’ll find myself as I go home”

So one time I was talking to a friend about “Adaptation” and said something about how the protagonist-cum-screenwriter is always doing Onanism. And she was all No that never happened. And it was pretty awkward because it looked like I had inserted (intromitted?) three to five masturbation scenes into this movie. Anyway! It turned out that she’d seen the CleanFlix version, which had been bowdlerized to shit. How in good conscience can you cut out the part where Charlie Kaufman’s all beating off to a book jacket photo?

Susan…Orlean…currently…resides…in…White Plains!

With her husband of fifteen years and golden retriever, Yard Dancer.

Anyway! Apparently this shitdick Christian news outlet, OneNewsNow.com, had this autobowdlerizer in place which would replace “salacious” words with clean, family-friendly alternatives (”cock ring” became “member’s circle”). The word “gay” was somehow deemed too fag-positive, so it got changed to “homosexual”. Hilarity predictably ensued when world-class sprinter Tyson Gay broke a record in the hundred [link].

After the race, Homosexual and Dix looked at each other and slapped palms, then hugged. Recounted Dix: “He said, ‘We did it. We both did it.’”

In Saturday’s opening heat, Homosexual pulled way up, way too soon…before accelerating again and lunging in…

“It means a lot to me,” the 25-year-old Homosexual said. “I’m glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me.”

“I’m sore right now,” Homosexual said, “but probably from the victory lap.”

Dix? Fuckin’…you cannot make this shit up.

How to look like a sex criminal using your personal computer if your personal computer is a MacBook:

1. Open Photo Booth.
2. Select the “glow” effect.
3. Smile what would normally be a charming smile.

Who has two thumbs and isn’t allowed within Mister-Softee-range of a playground? This guy:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OAXCy3YS54

at 2:06 the horn part is a shear genius.

fuck sousa, french horns are amazing.

im playing this in my strings class
and this song is soooo awesome~

You know how sometimes you’re up late and there’s no one to talk to and you start googling sex moves? I know, right!
Round One!

DP in a landslide! This is like the final of the last French Open–no contest. By the way, if anyone googles “Roger Federer DVDA”, I want this blog to be the first result.

Round Two!

Disappointing, to say the least. The Donkey Punch is clearly the more actual sex move. Disclaimer: I learned everything I know about sex from Urban Dictionary.

There is another round still!

I feel like nobody wins here. The McCain part makes sense, but what about Obama? Dude’s probably hung like a Kennedy. I want to see more Obama lookalikes in porn in the next few months. BaCock Obama? (Yes, he can!) A wang we can believe in?

But what’s probably more fun about GoogleBattles.com is the searches other people have tried. Sex vs. feta? “Psoriasis food” vs. “psoriasis diet”? By the way, wang and dong are basically tied at about 100 million hits each. Meanwhile, felch beats “mars bar party” by over half a million. Is there no justice in this world.
***
Part Two. Here is a list of women who lost tampons inside of them. Themselves. TSS in the HOUSE!
http://womenshealthnews.wordpress.com/2008/01/26/another-lost-tampon-story/